ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
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My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…