Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.

[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys

Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.

Canada: Let’s keep it that way.

Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.

The steaks have never been higher.

i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life

If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again

*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*

captain: hand in your gun

me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger

we did it you guys we saved daylight

Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.

ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this

The best things in life are free.

Stealing is awesome.

I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.

{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.

My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.

7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?

Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet

[group therapy]

me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?

voldemort: uhh no

joker: yikes

darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you

new tattoo]

them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque

[after 50 people had asked]

them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel

DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread

If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.

Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.

Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.

The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.

mom: you’re grounded for today

me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me

[10 years later]

amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm

It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.

Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL

Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne

Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…

Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!

*sniff* Don’t try to console me

Coffee for people with no kids

Oh yeh? Explain this then