Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
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I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
I can’t be the only one 😂
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
Age is just a number that you keep off of Facebook after 35.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
What do we want?
“More existentialist jokes!”
When do we want them?
“Why?”
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground