Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
You Might Also Like
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
Halifax authorities had to remove a deer from a downtown bar. Proving once and for all that Halifax bouncers don’t check IDs.
Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
50 shades of grey = my Liver
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
Apparently my 6yo old son went to school with a Spiderman costume under his clothes. The students of Edison elementary are safe today
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
My 7yo asked “why doesn’t mommy eat ice cream?” And my husband and I laughed and laughed and laughed because every night after the kids go to sleep I eat a giant mug full of ice cream.
This was the very first time she’s appeared to be impressed by me.