ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
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Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
I don’t know which is worse, people stealing your tweets or people not stealing your tweets.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
PLEASE READ
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.