Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
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GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
My husband asked me offhandedly if he had any annoying habits then got fucking offended during the PowerPoint presentation
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)