Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
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Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.