Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.

MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.

[in court during a murder trial]

hotdog vendor: HOOTTT DOOGGG

me: right here

I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.

“Live each day like it’s your last”

Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone

I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing

*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce

-NEVER eats Salad again!

*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning

-NEVER reads again!

Him: You are a souless ginger.

Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.

Him: Funny!

Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.

Him: *nervous laugh*

[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat

My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.

Lawyer: So after the kidnapper locked you in a box, you managed to escape, fought him, then got away through a wind tunnel while being chased. Can you show the court how this happened?

Mime artist: *cracks knuckles, smiles*

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Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.

My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”

Bought a house plant so I wouldn’t be the only one dying of dehydration around here

I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.

*doorbell rings, I open door*

Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?

Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?

Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?

[first day at the cia]

supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.

me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.

Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”

Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*

Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.

I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores

Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.

911: What’s your emergency?

Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.

911: How did he die?

Me: It must’ve been something I said.

Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.

Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”

Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.

Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…

I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.