Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.

Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.

*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *

Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.

Are these fish:

A. A different species

B. The same species

C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related

[aquarium]

*penguin strapped on my back*

Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?

No, it’s just a backpack.

Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!

um, fish

The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly

JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film

HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER

Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners

Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*

Me: here’s the thing Curp

Lowes employee: it’s Curt

Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are

You can’t get a good night’s sleep anymore because of woke

Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.

People fear what they don’t understand:

Change
Death
4th grade math word problems

I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel

Anakin: I built my droid from scratch

Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life

Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol

Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.

Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.

Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”

She loves me

[forgets to run the dishwasher]

She loves me not

*fills the ice tray once*

I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE

Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.

I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming

Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.

Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?

Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.

My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.

ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA

Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?

Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.

9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!

He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.