anxiety is soooo crazy bc why do i have diarrhea cuz im scared of something that hasn’t happened yet. what purpose does this diarrhea serve evolutionary
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They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Tried to make a friendly comment about how I liked my neighbor’s very autumnal outfit, but I swerved too hard into friendliness, soared past over-familiarity, and landed on the arguably hostile “well if it isn’t Mr. Fall”
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.