Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.

Here you go, Merry Christmas!

“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”

Because I wanted to make-

Mom: NO DON’T

My presents felt

Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.

I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.

“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”

What are instructions?

“Correct.”

Wife: It’s fine

*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way

Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.

No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.

Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.

if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.

Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.

We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed

“Can we use a library meeting room?”
“What for?”
“Just a meeting.”
“Not a party?”
“No. Why would you ask that?”
“Well, the sheet cake and sleeve of red plastic solo cups does raise some questions.”

My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.

My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.

(True)

[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much

“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?

FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to

sign of the times 🖊

[flashback to 1st date]

*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn

Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”

Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.

*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*

Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car

Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.

I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!

The dog came third.

[first date]

me: are you a reader?

date: omg i love reading

me: [handing her my menu] thank god

i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.

Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters

Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s

Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE