Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real

Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.

my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102

life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder

GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean

SHARK: nice

GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land

HORSE: cool

GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean

BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?

GOD: um

BLUE WHALE: um what?

Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.

Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.

She: It’s not working between us
He: Why?
She: For starters, I can’t handle your silly jokes
He: Hmm, okay and for main course?

me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*

You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.

Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.

Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!

Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!

How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.

FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!

ME: This reminds me of a time

FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*

ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.

‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’

-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.

Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food

Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.

My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.

My 10 year old:
If nothing is faster than the speed of light, how did darkness get there first?
Me: WHAT?!

It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.

Proof that kids sometimes listen…

5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?

Me: I’m dressed

5: Those look like pajamas

Me:

5: Did you brush your teeth?

Me: Yes

5: Let me smell

Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers

Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.

A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.

Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.

“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation

Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.