Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Have you ever gone hiking through the mountains for several days? When you finally arrive at your campsite and you drop the 40lb sack you’ve been carrying on your back, you feel reborn. You feel free again. Anyways, both of my kids are staying with their grandparents this week.
