Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
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[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
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*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
No laws when master is gone
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Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.