Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
ANXIETY: u up?
ME: *unintelligible groan*
ANXIETY: remember that one girl you might have offended back in 2007?
ME: I’m up, I’m up.
You Might Also Like
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Whenever someone’s robbing my house, I pretend I’m robbing it too then I make off with as much of my stuff as possible.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
6 yo: *yells* Mom! I’m on level 18!!!!
Me: *peeks in room* PAGE 18, princess. You’re reading.
6 yo: Oh
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Yes, I’d like to return this pizza
“is there a problem, sir?”
*opens box* ITS GOT NO TOPPINGS ON
“sir, you’ve opened the box upside-down”
What I say: “Does anyone need anything from the store?” What I mean: “I’m off to smoke a bowl in my car so I can deal with all of you.”