We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
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From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
reduce, reuse, recycle
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁