@erinmallorylong

ANXIETY: u up?
ME: *unintelligible groan*
ANXIETY: remember that one girl you might have offended back in 2007?
ME: I’m up, I’m up.

You Might Also Like

@yoyoha

Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.

@mydmac

Diet day 1

I have removed all the bad food from the house.

It was delicious.

@SamGrittner

Whenever someone’s robbing my house, I pretend I’m robbing it too then I make off with as much of my stuff as possible.

@3_livi

I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.

They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.

@Twtercide

6 yo: *yells* Mom! I’m on level 18!!!!

Me: *peeks in room* PAGE 18, princess. You’re reading.

6 yo: Oh

@canadasandra

Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.

@KeetPotato

Yes, I’d like to return this pizza

“is there a problem, sir?”

*opens box* ITS GOT NO TOPPINGS ON

“sir, you’ve opened the box upside-down”

@TheSnideOne

What I say: “Does anyone need anything from the store?” What I mean: “I’m off to smoke a bowl in my car so I can deal with all of you.”