Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
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At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
the ability to go around and chit chat with anyone at work is a skill, i’m considered to be a local yap star
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.