Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
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If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
*Drunk dials Mr. Clean
My house is soooooo dirty right now.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
Health and fitness is really important to me
Dips the French fry in the mashed potatoes
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
can’t bark with your mouth full
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Schools be like there’s not enough shit at the end of the year can you also get your kid a white elephant gift for a class party tomorrow?
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.