Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
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“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
Taiwanese Parliament member reportedly stole a bill and ran away with it to stop it from being passed
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
Well that tweet went over like a tuna fish milkshake.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
Blocked everyone who wouldn’t be invited to my funeral so if you see this, what dish are you bringing to the wake?
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
trying to keep bird watching fair so every other trip I just stand there and let the birds check me out for a bit.
maybe occasionally yell “YOU LIKE FROZEN YOGURT??” so they can learn to spot my mating calls
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99