Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
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A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant