Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
You Might Also Like
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
🌱🌱🌱
The only equipped I am is ill.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
pizza
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
You COULD say Twitter is like Group Therapy, however that would imply people are getting better,… and that just doesn’t hold water.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
this country is so goddamn polarized
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs