Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
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if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
stalking her spotify playlists on the desktop version and looking at each date a song was added and cross referencing it with my own perceived timeline of events then analyzing the data and making assumptions that are probably incorrect because idk i have a lot of issues
Not helping
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
My mom came out of light anesthesia just now and she’s yelling about how nice and thick my hair is, hey I’ll take the compliments where I can get them
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
me: can you empty the dishwasher please
9: what? What do you mean?
me: how the hell can I be anymore specific?
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.