Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
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ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Here’s a meme
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
the Monday after daylight savings
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
oh good, now I can stop drinking
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Every time I get in an Uber, I point and shout: “Follow that car!” like I’m in a movie. The drivers never think it’s funny and my Uber rating is 1.7 but that’s showbiz baby.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.