Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
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This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*