Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
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The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Me trying to “trust the process”
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*