Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
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People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
“AI is future of art, music, and writing!”
The future:
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
I may lack the tail feathers needed to flirt like a peacock but i’ve never seen them manage to rock the Running Man dance so I think it’s clear who the real winner is here
WHAT????? IS HAPPENING WITH THESE NEW SPAM BOTS
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
🤣
Black Friday “markdowns” like
my anxiety is at an all time high because i keep getting texts that begin like ‘anna, we need to check in’ or ‘this is a difficult message to send’ and for a second i think it’s my boyfriend breaking up with me before i realize they’re all from tim walz
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
When I tell my husband I have to go to the bathroom, he’s all like, I don’t need to know that, but bring home a new pet and he’s suddenly like, we need to work on your communication skills
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.