[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]

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btw I learned this tonight: DO NOT image search “scrotum” because people only post pictures using a medical name if there’s something wrong


Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.


Ur hot plz marry me.
*no reply*


DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!

ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly


ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions


[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]


“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”

-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing


Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?

Me: Huh?

Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.


VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands


[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi


*first day as a firefighter*

I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire