[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
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I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”