[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
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Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
My daughter’s throat is so sore she can’t talk, so we’re having her go around and kiss all the other kids
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Autocorrect just changed “have a prosperous 2025” to “have a preposterous 2025” and I feel that’s much more likely.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
If you pull this stunt in front of me at security stg I’ll call the cops
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
“Square up your hips.”
“Alright.”
“Your elbows need to come up.”
“Is all this really necessary?”
“Have you seen the news?”
“No.”
“They’re coming for us, Sid.”
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
The funk soul brother
