Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.

[spreading rumors]

me: R
O
R
U M
S

kid: 5 more minutes

dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime

H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep

ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking

“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”

Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*

My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?

Overheard This Weekend

Boy: Babe comes over to my place.

Gal: what do you want us to do?

Boy: Just to chill

Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!

It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work

Happy weekend !

A plastic surgery slogan:

Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either

“Name?”

Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…

“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”

3-year-old: Let’s play zombies

Me: OK

3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby

She tricked me into playing house

ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world

WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*

A little boy just said thank you after taking a sweet and then wished me a very enthusiastic merry Christmas

*slides note across counter*

Cashier (whispers): No problem.

[over intercom system]

“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”

I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.

[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg

FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!

Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine

My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”

My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”

if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.

Wife: People are coming over tomorrow

Me: We should clean today

Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?

Me: We should clean tomorrow

I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.

After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.

You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.

3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch

If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet

“I’m so sorry”

“No, I’m really sorry”

“No, I’m even sorrier than you”

“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”

*mutual hug*

-Canadian rap battle

My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.

I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.