Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
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Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
weird email i got today
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
I moved the karaoke machine from under my bed to the kitchen so I can sing along when cooking. It scares the dog and drives my daughter crazy so I’d say it’s a big hit.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy