Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?

DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer

BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise

The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.

Definitely less than a hundred.

I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.

i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire

Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.

It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.

Let’s pray for her.

Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?

“A little help here, Danny?”

My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.

Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.

“and you are November’s PM yes?”

I’m starring in a new movie, in theaters now!

Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.

Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.

Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?

[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash

Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys

[in a getaway car]

robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask

me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?

microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold

me: what if you cooked it just right

microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks

Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.

[getting murdered]

“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”

I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!

I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me

I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.

If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.

I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.

i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:

“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”

ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:

“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”

[sitting in van]

Robber 1: Ready?

Robber 2: Let’s do this!

Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?

another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?

Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.