Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
You Might Also Like
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
I spent 11 years becoming a thoracic surgeon because I was too afraid to admit that when I signed up I thought I’d be performing surgery on dinosaurs.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?