Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
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when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Nigella has gone too far this time.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.