Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese

Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?

*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.

My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga

Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!

Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it

a New Yorker reject, for you

The Recipe for Disaster in me, recognizes the Appetite for Destruction in you.

My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week

The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999

Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.

Seeing ads for bras is so funny cause it’s like seeing an ad for a house. I’m only gonna buy one, maybe two in my life. Chill out

Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.

Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-

group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne

Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman

Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?

You can tell a lot about someone by the stuff you make up in your head about them.

If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?

*decides towels smell like mildew

*buys special laundry agent to remove odors

*washes load of towels

*forgets load in washer until morning

*repeat

“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.

no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside

I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.

catch me on valentine’s day like

Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.

I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.

Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes

This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert

Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.

its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects

[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]

Give that cow a vacuum.

I hope google does well on my son’s test

You excited to watch the Super Bowl?

“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”

[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]