Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
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“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
🤣
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
*struts into the new year
~ trips
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
I got a cease and desist letter from a Venezuelan gang because one of them saw me throwing signs at the botanical gardens the other day.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
neighbors are automatically creepy because they’re strangers who know where you live
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire