[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
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Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
#dnd #ttrpg
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Excited to reach 100k on Gmail, thanks everyone for the support on my creator journey
BRO LMFAO
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Gwyneth Paltrow I received the message you sent me last night in my dream and will proceed with the plan
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”