Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.

70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.

Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls

Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.

Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…

Bullshit.

What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.

If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.

I’m not positive,

but I think when you say you’re “over” something,

YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.

“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early

Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor

Airport security:…

I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.

Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.

Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.

I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.

“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”

Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:

*5 stars*

For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it

pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet

me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here

My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.

Me: Was this product tested on animals?

Clerk: Yes.

Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!

Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.

Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.

It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.

Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.

When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.

How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.

HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?

ME: I don’t think that will fit me.

One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”

Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.

them: With great power comes great responsibility

me: *shuts off electricity*

LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away

Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.