Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*to woman next to me in yoga*

how do you get the mat to stop curling back up

wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go

Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.

harry potter: i’m depressed

dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it

harry: yeah

dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets

MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.

Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.

I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.

Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no

me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH

The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.

I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.

It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.

20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.

Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all

[Restaurant]

Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.

Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?

Me: Still call it a salad though.

I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.

waiter: would you like a box

me: how is it prepared

Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.

The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me

her: i like a guy that can last long 😉

me, a piece of flavored gum: shit

If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint department they have to stir it for you

Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.

I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me

me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home

Don’t worry, guys. Together we can eliminate logic and reason on social media. I see some of you are already ahead of the game. Way to go

You: (tweeting something personal and profound)

Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re

“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers

The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.

Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one

Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?