Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
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I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
Halloween decorations are expensive. Ghosts will re-decorate your house for free 👻
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
I’m so glad the internet is like this now.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
So glad we cleared that up
