Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
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I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
first caveman to see fire: well this is a buncha bullshit that no one needs (stomps it out) and i predict that’s the last i’ll ever see of that
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”