Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
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Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.
But cases continue to rise.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Best thing about staying in an Airbnb is trying to see what’s in that one locked closet.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
“when we kissed, I saw fireworks” you mean the kiss was super boring despite also being incredibly loud and scaring the shit out of my dog?
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.