Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
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DO YOU MEAN YOUR FRIEND GROUP?????
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
Thinking of getting into the mongering business, I just don’t know if I should do war, fear, or fish.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End