Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band

My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.

“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”

What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.

Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.

Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…

Went on a date once.

He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”

I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”

No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.

Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*

Stan: A power cut.

Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.

I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.

♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫

Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case

70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.

Kids are like magicians cause they make all the cups and chargers disappear.

hey girl, let’s crawl into the bottom of a sleeping bag together and romantically pretend we just got swallowed by Jaws

I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.

High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep

Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise

I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.

You know something I’ve discovered?

This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.

It’s about the people you connect with.

Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.

❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too

There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.

the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example

NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you

WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers

The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.

7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”

Jesus Christ lmao

“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.

Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.

I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.