Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
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… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling