Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.

Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.

genie: your first wish?

me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

genie:

me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

genie:

me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I was just at my neighbors house with my kids and a bunch of other neighbor kids and the host asked a 3yo if she could get her anything and the girl goes “could you bake a pie?”

food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction

~Elena Gabrielle

[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible

“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”

– Corporate ants.

There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.

Push and Pull.

My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.

[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet

[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh

*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead

My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”

I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.

my mom: fix this for me

also my mom: no, not like that

still my mom: it’s not working

mom: wait it is now

I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit

Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.

I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people

me: did I notice an off brand dish detergent in your apartment?

girl who would never date me bc I’m always trying to sell stuff but she feels lonely during the holidays: yes

me: does it cut thru the grease and grime?

*bumps into old work colleague*
*chats for 30 seconds*
Them: “we should totally catch up soon”
My brain: no, this was enough catching!

boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer

Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.

Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf

I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…

wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me

me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon

w: I despise you

If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.

{concert}

eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!

me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED

me: can i buy u a drink

girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot

me:

girl:

me: can u buy me a drink