Any big tech pitch these days: So you know how we all hate the things that make life worth living, right? Well,
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Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
Last night I watched a pirated movie. On a scale of 1-10 I’d have to give it 3.14159265359
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
“your account balance is low” brother wait until you see my will to live
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.