Any big tech pitch these days: So you know how we all hate the things that make life worth living, right? Well,
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who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Toasters aren’t governed by that little dial.
They have free will.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Me: God, please stop giving me your toughest battles
God: you literally just have to empty the dishwasher
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert