Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
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WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
My daughter met another toddler at the playground and my kid was like “What’s your name? Wow, that’s a beautiful name. Look at how strong you are! I love your shoes!”
And it took me a second to realize she was copying what I do when I meet a baby 😂
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.