Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*

death: quit it

Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for

I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.

Me: Coke please

Waiter: Is heroin okay?

HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner

HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me

“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.

If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.

“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate

What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.

What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.

🤣

MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s Day

MAR 16: middle child, left out as usual

A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away

*seductively takes off winter coat*

*seductively takes off another coat*

*seductively takes off another coat*

Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.

my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too

My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor

‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker

I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.

I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.

Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.

I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?

[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]

He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.

ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help

bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family

I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.

Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.

Ladies time to start dating the older dudes

They can get you in the grocery store earlier

Me: I’m a programmer.

Person 1: “make my website pls”

Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”

Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”

Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”

Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”

Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.

Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.

I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.