Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
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I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Orange cat behavior 😂
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Me: I got a new blanket
My dogs:
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
– Are you suuure there’s nothing to eat?
-One moment, let me check my bra
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me: