any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
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Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
i can’t wait that long
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
Believing everything you read on the internet is the key
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
mathematically impossible
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
shit just got real
