any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
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God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
Most people in your life will come and go but occasionally you’ll meet someone really special who makes you contemplate murder.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.