any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
You Might Also Like
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
LMFAOOOO
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
What about second breakfast?
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
I went to the dentist to get a crown put in. Told the hygienist I was there for my coronation. Then apologized for being the several hundredth person to say that. She said I was the first!
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Fries, not lies.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.