any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
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well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes