Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
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Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
The original Alien is the best because of the smoking. No futuristic nicotine delivery. Just blasting cigs around all that sensitive space equipment. That’s the direction technology advanced: to allow cigarettes in spacecrafts.
kitchen magnet
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist