Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
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Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
every four years, people report on fencing, and every four years, they say the weapons are sharp. they’re not sharp dude. everyone would die. first place would get a gold medal and second through last place would get buried
“You can’t just erase people out of your life”
Me:
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!