Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles

Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.

Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging

Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.

Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club

Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.

I know this now.

the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand

Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.

We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10

How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?

people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.

“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”

– Abraham LinkedIn

[at a restaurant]

SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.

ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.

[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope

Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?

[first date]

him: I’m a cat person.

me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand

Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:

you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers

If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have neighbors who hand out vegetables for Halloween.

her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?

me: *making airplane noises* why

*offers Batman cough drops*

My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*

Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*

Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.

ME: Help! Boa constrictor!

BOA: Actually, I’m a python.

ME: Help! Boa contradictor!

Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then

We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.

SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.

Why would you ask me for directions?

You just saw me walk into a closed door.

Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.

Me: this is my service burrito.

Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.

Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!

-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse