Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
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I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Got him!
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
“comparison is the thief of joy” well sure if you’re a loser
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Drilling for oil is well boring.
Brands during Pride
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it