Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
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H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
I clicked on 1 picture of Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. Now my entire timeline is Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. My family has been replaced by Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The only words I know are Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The concept of time is now Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
kitchen magnet
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.