Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
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[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
No.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
They say if you see something, say something. Of course they’ll tell you to go be crazy somewhere else, but still.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Jail
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze