Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
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My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
Another year of doing the same thing next to a slightly different number, nice call
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Writing, She Murdered.
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I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.