Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
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Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
Money is the root of all wealth
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?