Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol

My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.

“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”

Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.

If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave

The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.

Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.

Again.

I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.

MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?

My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]

I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart

Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.

Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?

Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.

Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever

Them: they were singing happy birthday to me

Boss: Have I made myself clear?

Me: No, I can still see you.

Boss: Shakes head.

Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken

when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts

Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy

Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you

That’s “Mr. Human Scum” to you, buddy.

What do you call a factory that makes okay products?

A satisfactory.

My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window

OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!

-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.

Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.

Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes

Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.

Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.

ACCEPTABLE RISK

Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.

I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.

The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.

My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.

I came this close!!!!