any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
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Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
this one is dumb but worth the zoom-in, i swear
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead