any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
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A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Never date someone just for their body. Intros, conclusions, and section transitions matter.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
This 4th of July, please remember…
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Watching women’s tennis and getting angry at the net. We shouldn’t put needless obstacles in the way of women.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!