Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside

Shrek + Akira = Shakira???

Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.

Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z

Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.

You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?

Hahahaa WHY!!??

[Airport security supervillain screening]

AGENT: Spell ‘haha’

ME: OK, ‘M’,–

AGENT: ur under arrest

If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.

[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that

First date idea: we take your cat to the dog park.

Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.

Me: Absolutely. Email me?

“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out

Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back

if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised

It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast

I wish I lived in a swing state. I am really good at pumping my legs

If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.

worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone

This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.

DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?

VADER: On the dark side.

DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?

VADER: Star bucks.

What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?

February 14th.

[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”

Toddler: we watch peed her pants

Me: you peed your pants?

Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS

Me: who peed her pants!?

Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!

Me: Peter Pan?

Toddler: ya peed her pants

Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?

Thank you.

Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776

A woof in sheep’s clothing.

I only treason on days ending in y

Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.

In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.

I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.

When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.