Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.

Bartenders be like ” heres that receipt, i’ll go ahead and put it on the wettest part of the bar”

*waits until you fall asleep*

*tests out his new retractable air horn*

My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.

Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send

I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.

Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!

Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*

B Boys: not like that

We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.

Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.

Me: *destroys spider web

Spider: wow

Me: *puts up fake spider web

Spider: WOW

Friends with no kids are like:

Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?

Good Morning.

You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?

Meet my cat.

These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.

WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving

ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change

WIFE: ok you’ve got a week

ME: [crying] a weak what?

Trees to oxygen:

“Pfft. Waste product.”

As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.

Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputy

Things we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and Roll

Things we will do
-Survive
-Rock You

Things we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you

Coworker: did you get a tan?

Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan

Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands

Today I’m going to give it my almost

Husband; Who was at the door?

Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.

Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?

Me:

Husband:

Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.

“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”

—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson

You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?

Him: Sarah is dead.

Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…

So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”

When you’re Kinky but poor

One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you

Me: I will never work for my boss again…

She: Why? What did he say to you??

Me: ‘You are Fired’