Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
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Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Tabasco is pretty much the worst hot sauce widely available but when you need Tabasco specifically nothing else will do
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
jfc Caroline my wife almost saw this
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
how do i get recruited by a cult i need some direction in my life
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior