@matt___nelson

Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going

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@tayandmae

According to my current parking spot I’m a physician

@pro_failure

My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.

@adamhess1

So glad I finally got around to correcting that spelling mistake I made to the girl I fancied 8 years ago

@ch000ch

*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME

@squirrel74wkgn

[human resources]

Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?

Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot

@RodLacroix

Study: People with children live longer.

People with children: Shit.

@Kiirkland

Imagine you playing dead and the shooter yells out “tickle all the dead bodies”

@TimmyPumpkin

*takes a sip*
this wine has a full body, hint of honey, and a rich pallet.
“sir that’s windex.”
yes, yes, ill take a bottle.