Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
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Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
moms in horror movies
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.