@matt___nelson

Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going

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@TimHaynesJr

That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.

@tsm560

Received DM of the day:

Them: Why are you so angry?

Me: Why are you so stupid?

@calebsaysthings

every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.

@TeamPHumor

Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house

@Shen_the_Bird

doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news

wife: [crying]

me: that’s a spicy meatball

@UrFavAsianGuy

I ate my dog because it ate my homework. Just kidding, I ate it because I’m Asian.

@Curt__Burt

Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him

@Contwixt

I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.

@meaghano

a tropical storm BEARING MY MOTHER’S NAME is heading for the beach where my dad is supposed to get married this weekend