Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
You Might Also Like
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
getting old is fun
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.