Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
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“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Co-worker: I’m in the doghouse with my wife.
Me: What did you do? Stay out too late with the boys?
CW: No, I sent $60,000 in Apple gift cards to someone in Nigeria who said we owed it for the electric bill.
Me: …Oh
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
The pen is writier than the sword.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?