Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

barber: your hair is so dry

pavlov: i forgot to condition it

[ER Triage Room]

NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?

GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now

If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.

I want what they have

Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes

people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.

HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.

ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.

I’m aging like a fine banana

If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo

I hate hotel bath towels.
So thick and fluffy I can’t even close my suitcase!!

europeans read a lot because their television shows suck

*falls from grace*

PARKOUR!

being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad

If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.

Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”

Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”

Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors

Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS

Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?

My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go

The kid next to me on the flight sang we don’t talk about bruno pretty much the entire time and had the audacity to keep calling me mom

The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.

[getting my license]

Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes

Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*

why is being alive so expensive. I’m not even having a good time.

ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice

HER: do you mind?!

ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*

A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).

I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.

If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.

Me: Did you use the elevator?

Friend: I took the stairs.

Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?

Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.

Did I do that right? I don’t get it.

They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.

A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.

Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins