Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
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Oh yeh? Explain this then
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
Remember to not aim fireworks at anyone unless it’s that person who keeps microwaving fish at the office
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
The family panel on the back of my car is just me standing next to a hand, a lotion bottle, and a bunch of smiling tissues where the wife and kids should be.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD