Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
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I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
My favorite part about being sick is when you sneeze with a cough drop in your mouth and it launches across the room like a cruise missile.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Sunday
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
I’m taking my teen driving so if I don’t make it back just know my last words were probably “HIT THE F’ING BRAKE!!!”
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Someone stole the C and L off my work besties door, which I guess was probably pretty predictable in hindsight…
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.