Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
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I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
me: i think i got rabies from a bat in our tree.
my wife: why were you near a bat?
me: i cannot make friends with a bat through email, carol. they do not have computers.
my wife: my name is cheryl.
me: {dies from rabies}
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly