“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
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Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
smh
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
orange cat behavior
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
Just opened 3 birthday cards and so far I have 80 bucks.
I love being a postman.
At the grocery store but forgot my wife’s list so I guess I’ll just follow this other guy around and get what he gets.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.